Monday, May 9, 2011

10 Reasons Why a Nuclear Holocaust Wouldn't Be That Bad

I'm not really the type of person to be all gung-ho about war or nuclear holocausts, however, these are things I tend to think about. And I think about them in very unorthodox ways. Then again, most of what I think, and subsequently say,  is quite unorthodox, and I daresay that's why people keep listening. So, since it's been a while since I've posted, and since there have been a few other incidents to overshadow the horrors in Japan, thus forcing it out of the news cycle, I'd say that now is a good time to write the list I've been itching to write since the word "Fukushima" entered my vocabulary.

10 Reasons Why a Nuclear Holocaust Wouldn't Be That Bad
1. Never have a bad hair day again. Of course, it's likely that you won't be having any kind of day again, but you're guaranteed that whatever it is, it definitely won't be a bad hair day.
2. That extra arm-hand combination growing out of your abdomen ensures that you'll never again have to bend down to pick things up. Great for people with bad backs.
3. People with cancer would be cured with radiation. However, people without cancer might actually get cancer. But they'd be quickly cured. Win-win.
4. If you hate your job, don't worry. You're probably not going back.
5. No more seasonal allergies!
6. In debt up to your eyeballs? It's unlikely that your creditors will be contacting you.
7. The world becomes a squatter's paradise.
8. All of those horrible social engagements that you were tied to are now very unlikely to take place.
9. Great hallucinations without the hallucinogens.
10. No more painful visits to the in-laws!

Of course, you wouldn't be able to read Bus 174, my latest story on New Vilna Review....

2 comments:

  1. Why does Fukushima almost sound like 'fuck you, shema'? Did you send this to Jay Leno? :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was a brilliant, twisted and tasteless article Kudos, well done :-)
    It reminded me of this old joke:
    http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/188.html

    ReplyDelete

be kind.